If you had asked me in 2020 what I would loathe 4.5 years into the pandemic, first of all, I wouldn’t have believed you that we would still be treading these same waters; nor would I have been able to imagine that the least desirable parts of daily life for me would be:
1. Extreme and consistent Decision-Making Fatigue.
2. Expensive and tedious procurement and management of all the things our big and little people use to form multiple layers of protection.
3. Intensified and relentless awareness of my challenges, habits, triggers, sensory differences, fears, etc. as a parent (and everyone else’s in the house, too).
4. The endless logistical backflips required to raise a child safely in a shrunken “Village”.
5. The disproportional amount of labor and vulnerability required to navigate relationships/perceptions/community engagement.
The last two are not as much of a surprise :)…
6. Massively constrained travel
7. Being a former foodie, film, and museum fan who hasn’t been able to enjoy these experiences in the same way since 2020.
I learned a lot about managing overwhelm and getting unstuck in my pre-pandemic life as a certified leadership coach and life strategist. Still, I was too drained by new motherhood and this list of circumstances to apply what I knew to my own life. Eventually, I got to a point where I didn’t like how I sounded and the fear of who I might become if I didn’t make a change. So, I dusted off my old coaching course manuals and reacquainted myself with the formula for a happy life I had learned long ago.
In the words of Tony Robbins, “Happiness emerges when the reality of your life conditions equals your blueprint of how you expect the world to be… when the two align, you experience happiness and life is extraordinary.” Welp, I kind of did just stop there and say there’s no possible way I can avoid suffering since the pandemic imploded my blueprint and my life conditions simultaneously. Maybe this formula doesn’t apply in such unprecedented times. After all Tony and many of the people teaching ideas like this appear to be living like it’s 2019, so maybe it only works when there’s some baseline level of normalcy in the world. But I was at the breaking point and over time I began to to accept that there weren’t many other choices available to shift my internal experience from one of suffering to one of fulfillment and joy because more things than ever were out of my control.
The longer the pandemic goes on, the more determined I am becoming to live an extraordinary life despite the timeline I was born into. My husband and I lost our fathers on the same day two months ago, and grieving together also gave us quite a memento mori experience that amplified our desire to not let the pandemic completely define the most precious years of our lives. I refuse to bury my head in the sand and pretend it’s not having a massive impact on my life and my story that I would have never chosen, but I also refuse to trade in the quality of the one life I’ve been given because of circumstances outside my control. I lived through decades of extreme challenge and trauma followed by hard-earned healing and growth. I had just married the love of my life, had my first child, and brought him home from the hospital when the world began crumbling around us and the extraordinary life we fought to create. I realize it sounds impossible (and hokey even) to proclaim from this place the desire to live an extraordinary Still Coviding Life, especially when it’s been so saturated in survival energy for so long. That’s ok though, I’d rather attempt the impossible or be seen as hokey than suffer from feeling powerless to change anything that matters.
My recent essays have been reflections of the small ways I’ve started working toward this goal of living what feels like an extraordinary life to me, and you know what, it’s working! (note I said “feels extraordinary to ME” because I don’t suffer the illusion that anyone in the big wide world out there, maybe besides other Still Coviders would label the life I’m creating as extraordinary). I have more energy, more hope, and less “noise"/guilt/worry- and that’s enough of an improvement for me to continue this path. I am at a place now where I can both accept the hard truths of the external conditions we are living in AND use the free gifts of creativity, community, and contribution to change the conditions under my control. Along the way, I am slowly but surely designing a new blueprint for a life I will love living now and look back on with contentment and maybe even pride.
So, who’s with me?
Please message me or comment with which of these 7 you’d like me to focus on as I continue to share about my messy process of attempting to improve conditions, or share some of your top dislikes of the Still Coviding Life as well. I’d be surprised if you don’t have a “loathe list” too, and in my experience, it’s pretty freeing to name it, share it, and then take some action to shift it, no matter how small.
I’d also love to hear your “love list” of things that have unexpectedly worked in your favor due to the pandemic. I plan to write about mine soon as well. The best part of sharing the truth about what’s hard with each other is that we won’t feel so alone, and if we get a little closer to experiencing an extraordinary life along the way, then that will just be icing on the cake.
My loathe list:
1. No in-store shopping! A fun pastime of mine dating back to teen days of bonding with friends. I always get an exciting mood lift from just being IN a mall or store and now it doesn't feel safe to do. Also, trying on clothing and shoes are such musts. I developed something really cool to replace this to some extent and it gives me a mood lift, akin to what I lost.
2. Missing in-person coziness with family and close friendships, missing sharing my space (which feels safe and enriching to me) with those I care about. Missing fun times spent with talk, games, and food. Missing the possibilities of connections by traveling to see friends, and having new experiences in those settings.
3. Ease. Not having to think too much about Whatever, no matter where we go. Not having to plan ahead or worry about having to use a public restroom and the dangers that could now pose for air quality. I deeply miss vacations to sun, sand, mountains, nature, swimming....
4. I want more pets! My fam don't feel confident in getting a pet that could potentially carry and transmit covid. They also don't want another anyway, but that's a separate issue. I badly need an ESA.
5. I miss holding babies and interacting with kids. Kids don't understand viral spread and they will get close or remove masks randomly without realizing they are putting me in danger. I don't want to scare someone so young and impressionable, especially, and thus feel unwilling to stick up for myself in these situations, so I have not pursued trying to change this. They also are visibly unnerved by masks.
6. Already having chronic illness means my life got even more limited. Ouch.
7. Feeling judged by others, criticized due to taking better care of ourselves than we feel they are taking care of themselves or of us. I feel such sadness thinking that they don't care or even realize their actions could kill us, and they don't behave in such ways that we feel cherished and treasured. I wish more people were less self-centered.
I am SO excited to engage with this post (genuinely). I'm not sure I'll be able to fit everything into one comment! Let's see, #5 hit me like a ton of bricks. That's probably my hardest one and I feel like you addressed it quite a bit in your next post. I'd especially be interested to hear more about 4 and 7!! I will be following your blog as actively as my neurodivergence allows- I have decided on 2 blogs only I genuinely want to follow going forward.
Boundaries have been a big part (for me) of moving forward with a joyful pandemic-continuing life. I also Deeply identify with your sentiments about having an extraordinary life For Me and that being the definition that matters. I struggle with wanting to seem worthy to others and like I'm living a worthwhile life. I keep re-centering in that idea of my life being what *I* want it to be.
Some of the main gifts of the pandemic for me (besides boundaries!) have been TIME, HEALTH, and SOLITUDE. Time: I get to do what I want and not put it off. I get to see clearly that if I'm putting off doing what I actually want with my life, that it's me choosing that. It's not 'worth it' because of spending time with someone instead of pursuing my goals and dreams. Health: I have the space and resources (thank goodness!!) to focus on getting well from some non-covid chronic illness stuff that's been plaguing me for years. And I have no excuse not to. I also have the time and space to focus on time-consuming treatments and not worry that the illness or healing from it is taking me away from 'whatever else' I would have been doing. As in, nothing. Solitude: I get to be alone, and I get to like being alone. I get to be ok with myself and with liking myself. I have learned to relish my own company and grow during times of intentional quiet. I feel like I have to be intentional about socializing and that has transformed the way I socialize. No longer seeking people to fill the social space, but rather seeking the company of those I genuinely want to connect with. Oooh how nourishing, enriching and healthy that feels!! Boundaries; they're like providing a structure for cucumbers to grow on!
Your friend from Reddit, (darkacademia)