7 Life Lessons I’m Learning While Parenting Neurodivergent Children and Still Coviding
Like many families worldwide, I have been on a parallel journey through first-time parenthood and a pandemic. Our converted garage room went from storage to classroom overnight. I’ll never forget running back and forth between the zoom screens of a kindergartner who “left class” whenever she felt like it, a second grader, and a fourth grader while breastfeeding and plotting our next supply run for toilet paper.
As the dust settled on our new way of life (and by settle, I mean we had toilet paper AND were starting to realize that the world would never be the same), my husband and I recognized we were on yet another new journey. Four and a half years later, everyone in our family now has a diagnosis of one or more expressions of neurodivergence (except me, and mine may be yet to be discovered).
Much has been said about the overlap between neurodivergence and Still-Coviding, and it tracks with our story. This is an abridged version of a long story about how learning to parent our neurodivergent children more effectively has been one of my most profound growth experiences AND a massive contributor to my ability to sustain a strict Still Coviding way of life. At the painful beginning, I felt like going through so much new learning would be one more thing to bury us in stress during the unprecedented circumstances we already faced. But as I look back over these last 4.5 years, this learning became the strongest lifeline to managing our present conditions and a through-line to a new future.
Each item on this non-exhaustive list of lessons deserves its own essay. I look forward to sharing more about how they impact me daily and hearing from you about your unexpected learning during this challenging season.
Lesson #1:
Understanding our nervous system and how to support its optimal functioning is the foundation for living a healthy, meaningful life.
Being introduced to the concepts of Neuroception and Coregulation by one of our incredibly talented parent coaches early in the pandemic explained so much of what my husband and I were observing in our perceived sense of threat, safety, and the challenges of feeling an increased need to be with other safe nervous systems when they were more challenging to find than ever. As we watched new (and often concerning) behaviors from people in our lives, learning that “we can never assume what is happening in another nervous system” (Deb Dana), especially given the heightened sense of threat all of us have been experiencing since 2020 was a critical part of holding onto hope for a different future.
Lesson #2:
Child-led play is the path to almost everything they (and we as parents) need most in life: coregulation, connection, challenge, learning, growth, development, relationships, fun, joy, etc.).
Given the pandemic's constraining impact on all these parts of life, this is more true now than ever.
Lesson #3:
The power of validation is underrated, and learning to apply it to our relationships is life-changing.
Lesson # 4:
Time is an emotion, not a clock on the wall. How we decide to spend it must include consideration of our nervous systems and their current condition.
For us and our kids, a minute can feel like an eternity when we are unfulfilled. Focusing on managing time and schedules without identifying and validating emotions in moments of flow and transition puts the cart before the horse. I promise to return to this one soon because applying it can unleash the capacity to do hard things repeatedly.
Lesson #5:
Social connection and communication happen in countless ways that mainstream culture doesn’t see or dismiss as useless (and they don’t need to revolve around spoken words, food, or shared interests).
As I shared recently, I had to drop my old pre-pandemic rules around connecting with people to let them into our lives again. Learning about my children’s divergent ways of connecting and communicating prompted this critical learning that I eventually applied to our adult connections.
Lesson #6:
Progress isn’t always linear; it happens mostly in fits, starts, and cycles, not constant forward motion.
Lesson #7:
Non-compliance Is Self-Advocacy.
While most of us agree theoretically, this one might initially feel challenging when managing day-to-day life. It is probably the lesson that has unearthed more of the old cycles I’m working hard to break from my childhood than any other. But when my son picked this shirt out from all the other fantastic options at PlaySpark*one of our favorite small local businesses, I felt a distinct sense of pride in recognizing that he had already begun living out the message of his shirt. As mask bans continue to increase around the country, we have another reason to experience the truth of this lesson and live it out in powerful ways.
I would love to hear about any of the unexpected lessons you’ve been learning along the way and which of these you would like to hear more about in future essays.
P.S. A Note of Thanks to Covid-Aware/Safe Therapists Everywhere!
Many years ago, when I went through relational storms that led to a divorce, my Psychotherapist was a buoy that helped me find my way back to the shore. In the storm of this pandemic, our children’s Occupational Therapists have been buoys for our family, providing us with practical tools and being a life-giving source of learning, growth, and joy in the hardest of times. They have introduced us to so many tools, strategies, and mindsets that many of these lessons rest upon. If you are a therapist of any kind who makes it possible for Still- Coviding Families like ours to receive services safely, thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
P.P.S. I’m happy to share more about the virtual and in-person parenting and OT support we have received. Please message me on the app or leave a comment on the post.
*Not affiliated with PlaySpark, but they have t-shirts, prints, stickers, and pins for many of these lessons and more. Check them out!